JUNKe Life

Constantly constrained…
May 20, 2006, 12:09 pm
Filed under: JUNKe life

There is never enuf. Burroughs spoke of that in his book Junky. Never enuf. As such, one ends up forever seeking simply to ensure there is merely enuf to sustain oneself since the possibility of deficiency is always looming.

Maybe I should back up a bit. My resolve to only eat Kadian quickly evaporated. Injectable forms of morphine were still readily available, and thereby the opportunity to have a quick rush buzz from the needle was too much to give up entirely. So I'd eat some Kadian, but still make sure I took a hit or two off the needle as well. By the way, Kadian does not cook up. Whatever gunk it is composed of does not break down adequately in the spoon. So that is a positive regarding its applicability as a substitute drug. Forget about shooting it up.

Anyhow, I stopped taking the Kadian and just tried to limit myself to hitting up the equivalent dose of morphine as I was being prescribed in Kadian. Therefore, not letting my habit grow beyond what I was being prescribed daily. That's difficult to do. When you do junk for the bang, the tolerance is something you must exceed in order to attain a buzz. When you do junk to taper, you don't seek the buzz and therefore you accept not feeling anything. So, since I was still banging, and thereby seeking a buzz, slowly but surely, my daily intake increased. Soon I was being prescribed 200 mgs daily, but doing 400 mgs daily – thus putting myself in a deficit of 200 mgs that could not be substituted by a legal precription.

Then came a trip to Vancouver, and ten days of using heroin in much more than sufficient amounts. That week plus definitely upped my habit considerably. To say nothing of draining my pocketbook, since heroin really is exorbitantly expensive in comparison. At least three-four times the cost of the equivalent in morphine. Whereas a quarter gram of heroin was costing $40, I could get the same dose in morphine for back home for $14. Of course, heroin does have qualities that are worth paying a little more for. The nod is simply better. I spent many a nod chewing down on my lips – leaving significant teeth marks – which I never do on morphine.

So now I live with an ever-present awareness of imbalance. I am using more than I can properly maintain on. I am into deficit spending just to maintain my habit. And I am entering the state of constant constraint. Always aware that I should be cutting back. Always trying to control my habit. Trying to do less. Holding back, being concerned. Totally the opposite of abandone and freedom.

The days become full of counting, and I become a conservative junk accountant. Always trying to reduce – spending, using, frequency. Keeping account because something is "the matter" – because the matter (junk) is finite. There is never enuf, and as such, I am constantly trying to constrain myself within ever diminishing boundaries. Ironically, while I am doing more than ever, it seems like I have less and less of what I need. The paradox of being wired. The inverted pyramid that Burroughs described.