JUNKe Life

Yes James, we’re outta control…
June 9, 2007, 5:57 pm
Filed under: JUNKe life

Out of control? Too true! We turn into drug pigs whenever we have a lost of stuff. So much denial and refusal to believe that the cupboard will run dry eventually. Every day we tell ourselves to start slowing down because if we don’t we’ll regret it. We will run out and we don’t have any money to re-supply. Even though we know this, we act otherwise. We keep doing extra hits even when we don’t need another hit in the least. We do another hit just two hours after the previous one. Sure, we get a bit higher, but what about next week when we’re going to need that hit just to not get sick and it won’t be there? It’s completely crazy. It’s addiction.

We seem pathologically unable to control ourselves. We’re completely conscious of the absurdity of using up our stash by doing hits that aren’t needed, and yet we go ahead and do them anyways. As long as there’s a bunch of pills in the cupboard, we just can’t cut back even though we’re painfully aware that we have to.

Lego Car Crash

It would be so much easier to drop from six pills per day, to five per day, to four per day, to three per day by making the drop every four days. But we’re using up the surplus that would allow that moderate reduction. Now we’ll have to cut from six per day to three per day in a single drop. And if we don’t get control soon, we’ll be faced with a drop from six to two.

We count up the days until resupply and should divide the total number of pills into those day to determine how many we can do per day. So, we know we should be at four per day. A couple more days, and we’ll have to be a three per day. At that point, if we go just a couple more days at six, we’ll find we’ve only got enough to be doing two per day. Its inevitable. After all, there’s a finite total in the cupboard to begin with, and each time we dip into it, there’s less.

All this we know, yet we tell ourselves, let’s do another. Tomorrow we’ll get on schedule. And we know we’re making the schedule more difficult every time we tell ourselves that. And we tell ourselves that over and over and over again. It is maddening, perplexing, crazy making, and ultimately, it sabotages our well-being in a big, big way. We had enough to be on easy street, provided we didn’t make pigs of ourselves. So what did we do? We made pigs of ourselves. Self-control is so desired, yet so impossible.

So we tell one another to remind each other that we need to exercise control. But it doesn’t work. Because there’s no conviction when we say “we really shouldn’t do another” or “let’s just go to sleep now”. No mater what we say, you can bet that five minutes later we’ll be cooking up. We had a parachute but instead of deploying it, we took it off. And then when we realize we really need it, and that there’s time to put it back on, we drop it instead. We keep pushing the button that keeps making the walls close it. It is truly strange. There’s only one way to explain it. Addiction is real! Really!

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