JUNKe Life

Among the covers…
November 29, 2008, 5:23 pm
Filed under: Good Stuff, Websites

Enormous collection of William S. Burroughs’ book covers are compiled here. Below is the Penguin UK 1977 cover – the first edition of Junky I read.

Junky UK Penguin 1977

I loaned my copy to my friend, Duncan the Garbage Gobbler, and haven’t seen it since. Dunc got his nickname not due to a voracious appetite for food but because of the non-discriminating nature of his drug consumption.

2 Comments so far
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I am also an Opiate addict. I am currently a Methadone addict, although 7 months ago I was a Heroin addict.

I have read quite a bit of your blog and I find…every entry talks about one thing mainly: dope. Which, is to be expected of a junkie (and, im not calling you a junkie in a bad sense..hah..but I am sure, you, as a user, finds solace in that identity). I also write a lot about dope..because..it is on my mind a lot. But..I realize that behind these thoughts..lie true loves…passions…real passions. Passions that now that I am off of Heroin, I can start to indulge in.

Once..I lived to find dope everyday. Now, I also have to wake up, and go to the Methadone clinic everyday…but something miraculous is happening to me. Sometimes..on the weekends (when I get my take homes) I forget to dose. This is amazing because…the dose isnt the first thing on my mind..in fact..it isnt on my mind at all! Other things are..life, a constantly expanding universe, all of the dimensions that must be formed as a result of this constantly expanding universe, our existence within these dimensions…and what that means, etc, etc, etc….

What are your passions? What are your absolute loves? Other than dope, of course. And…can you see past the dope? Will you ever? Are you happy? If you are, why? If you arent, do you think you ever will be?

Is being high, being happy for you? Do you think you could be happy without being high?

I will be off of Methadone in about..5 to 6 months and although the Methadone doesnt get me high AT ALL anymore…I will admit that being completely clean scares me.

I am very interested to hear your answers..so I do hope you reply. I am bookmarking this blog.

Comment by Leslie

Hi Leslie, thanks for your thoughtful comments. You are correct in noting that nearly every post I make is about dope. That is deliberate. As I said back in the very fist post several years ago, my intention with this blog was to talk about my dope experiences, rather than talk about my life per se. Of course, there is more to my life than dope, even though dope is a big part of my life. I am glad that you understand this; and in fact, I think it is an important thing to point out. We (junkies) are whole people, we aren’t just stereotypes with nothing more going on than a fiendish pursuit of drugs. Nevertheless, I have exclusively empshasized the dope aspect of my life because I never intended this blog to be a revelation about myself entirely, but as I said, just the dope aspect of my life.

I am glad to hear you are finding positive re-connection with a miraculous reconnection with living as you continue stabilizing with methadone. That too was my experience with methadone. Because I was no longer hung up with forever having to be concerned with dope, I started reconnecting with other passions, and finding new ones as well. It is funny you should mention that you even forget to take one of your take home doses. That too was something I would experience because my methadone wasn’t for getting high, it was just a maintenance dose, so it wasn’t anything exciting or that I craved. As such, I would forget about it, until some many hours after my normal dosing time when I began to feel a bit shaky and then I’d remember “oh yeah, I forgot to take my methadone this morning”. It really becomes no big deal. And the great thing is that other things do become a big deal, the other things in living, whatever they might be for us as individuals.

Overall I’m fairly happy (Xmas 2008). Being high helps sometimes, but it isn’t the end all and be all of happiness. Other stuff certainly affects my mood considerably. At present, in fact, I’m finding myself becoming fed up with shooting up several times per day and I’m wanting to get off dope again. It is becoming boring and simply a hassle. In fact, I’m aware of it holding me back from having the time and freedom to do other things. And monetarily, it is such a drain. There are so many other things I would rather be spending money on then another hundred pills for the next couple weeks. I want to have some money which I can spend to do enjoyable things, or just get some better quality food, or have a nice restaurant meal without worrying that it costs $12 instead of $6. It becomes absurd to throw away hundreds on dope, and then be concerned about spending a couple extra bucks to get what I really want from the restaurant’s menu instead of just the cheapest thing that will fill me up.

I know I can be happy without being high. This current run is just three years. Prior to that I was happy without using anything, except my methadone dose. Speaking of which, you say you will be off methadone in 5 to 6 months. Good luck with that. I just want to caution you to not be too fixated about getting off methadone too quick, or on a time schedule which you feel you have to stick with. The most important thing is that you feel good and secure with each drop in dose, so that as you approach no dose at all, you still feel good and confident about being completely clean. As you say, the thought of being entirely clean scares you somewhat now.

When I first was on methadone, I would literally tense up with fear at the thought of having no opiate dose whatsoever. I just couldn’t conceive of myself handling things without something to take care of my dope need. But as the years proceeded on methadone, I began to think comfortably about being dope free. Things were coming together in my life while on methadone, and I could see those non-dope related things continuing, and fulfilling my life without dope. At that point, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t rush going off methadone. I didn’t want to physically or emotionally tax myself. Physically by coming down too fast and starting to experience a bit of withdrawal because of dropping dose too quick or too much per time. Emotionally, I checked myself prior to every drop that I still felt okay about proceeding toward being completely without the dope crutch I’d been dependent of for so long. So I went careful, without any schedule, nothing creating a demand which would become pressure. I was okay if I had to be on methadone for life, or if it took five years, or ten to get off it. The primary thing was to recognize that daily maintenance on methadone was far preferable to returning to active using, and therefore accepting that if I had to continue using methadone for awhile that was the best thing. I never dropped by more than 10 percent of my total dose, and never more quickly than a reduction every eight weeks. I allowed myself to get stable on the reduced dose before reducing again – that’s very important so that you don’t have your body start feeling a need for dope again. Never putting yourself in a dope depleted state where a dose really has an impact because you need it and feel it. If you drop in dose again before really getting used to your first drop, then your body is always playing catch up and you put yourself into a dope needy state which isn’t good. Make sure you’re totally stable at the dropped dose before dropping again. In that way your overall reduction will be comfortable.

I remember the day I finally said, “ok, I think I will try going without another dose of methadone”. I was actually down at .5 milligrams per day at that point (crazy, but true). In other words, I was only doing 3.5 milligrams per week, whereas I had been doing 120 milligrams per day just a couple years previously. Anyhow, after a couple months at just .5 per day, I finally decided to not drink a day’s dose and I felt completely fine. And I didn’t have any the next day, or the next day, and then on and on it went. I was completely clean and I felt no negative impact whatsoever. No physical need, and no emotional depression. Once I realized I was completely free, I was ecstatic. Just like Martin Luther King proclaimed, “Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, I’m free at last!”.

Good luck!

Comment by opiated

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