JUNKe Life


See Saw in the Setting Sun…
November 29, 2008, 3:40 pm
Filed under: JUNKe life

Yesterday we drove for an hour and a half to score. And then drove an hour and a half back home to get well. It’s funny how relative things can get. I remember years back when a cross-town drive to score and get back home took 30 minutes and it seemed like an eternity, whereas yester day’s three hour drive seemed like a pleasant Sunday picnic. What does that say? I suppose it means I must have developed some patience while attaining this older age I currently reside in.

children-on-see-saw

A couple days ago I received a call informing me of the time and place to make yester day’s pickup. Before leaving I double-checked and got a confirmation that everything was good to go. As a result, I enjoyed the drive. I didn’t have to worry whether I’d be able to score or not.

Driving back home after scoring is usually a real contrast from the drive to score. The trip to the dealers is usually tense with worry, with long silent periods punctuated with desperate little prayers (“shit I hope he’s home”) or scrambled back up plans (“let’s try Joe Blows if so-and-so ain’t home”). Nothing but worry and nail-biting. But once the buy is made and the dope is safe and secure in one’s pocket the trip back home is all joy and anticipation (“thank gawd that worked out”).

Nowadays I usually get several weeks supply at a time. So instead of the daily ups and downs of drug seeking, I’m on a much more expansive see saw of emotions. Initially there’s not a worry whatsoever because the size of the bag or the bottom of the pill bottle seems so far away it seems like there’s enough to last forever. As a result, my carefully thought out schedule for dosing immediately goes in the garbage and there’s several days of “let’s treat ourselves today”. It doesn’t matter how unrealistic such thinking is, I inevitably engage in it.

And just as inevitably, the bottom of the bag becomes in sight. Ah yes! this isn’t going to last forever, is it? Well, that peak was nice, but the pendulum does swing, and down it starts to got. Ok, let’s figure out what’s left. Time to figure out a new dosing schedule. Let’s see… if I do four hits per day, of so-and-so amount per hit, this is gonna last such-and such time. Okie dokie, 12 days left. Aha, that’s not too shabby.

Opps, 12 days seemed distant enough that I decided to indulge myself for a couple extra days. Now there should be ten days left, but there’s only eight. And that’s eight if I stick to the dose schedule, which I haven’t stuck to one day yet. Opps! Oh well… these things have a way of working out… somehow. Even if, in reality, its just that I’m digging myself into a deeper, and deeper, and… deeper hole.

Damn! I just realized I’m going to run out before I can resupply. I thought he said see him on the 25th, but that was last month, and this month he said the 28th. Shit! That’s still seven days off, and I’ve got to find a way to carry me through them extra three days. I suppose if worst comes to worst I’ll just have to score at regular street prices. Which means I’ll spend for three days what I could normally purchase a week’s worth.

At least I’m not worrying about getting sick. Going cold turkey isn’t really a concern. Well, maybe its a bit of a concern, but these days are sure easier then when I used to be worried about where my every next fix would come from. Still and all, this past week has sure been a lot more stressful than the previous one. Now I do a hit and see the pile get smaller each time. The previous week it seemed to not diminish whatsoever. It’s funny how that goes…

Now I score and I’m not fully relieved. I want to be more sensible this time. Show a little restraint. Try not to increase my habit too much. Maybe even cut back a bit. But that idea lasts a day or two before I decide that I’m going to get a bit of a buzz on today. And the next day, and the day after. Ah, those are the days of great relief. In fact, I still get good and high, so long as I do enough. The days drift by in cosy comfort, the future seemingly distant enough that it is no cause for concern.

MushroomSeeSaw

Suddenly tomorrow is today, and I wish I could postpone today for tomorrow. But I can’t. My habit is relentless, and demanding everyday. This is indeed a see saw, up and down, up and down, impossible to get off, and in danger of falling off. Last week was a lot better than time week.

And this week will be a lot better than last. Today is fine. Tomorrow will be fine as well. And next week will be here sooner than I think today.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

another interesting read, these are the types of experiences that would go well into a book, would be a great read im sure.

Comment by scott

ha! ha!…actually it’s not really funny, but you just described *perfectly* what happens with me, and here I though I was the only one(yeah right)

Comment by taj




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